(Those of you that get these posts via LiveJournal: I doubt I will be posting much at all on LJ, though I will probably keep the account open to save my old posts and to keep up with what friends are doing.)

I plan to continue writing at The Flowering Thicket - if you are still interested in pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down, please visit me there.

Softening is really hard for me. I tend to sit behind my nice little Fence of Sarcasm and Wit, in my castle of I’m Too Cool to Care, in the county of I’m Above All of That. The trouble is, none of that is true. I *do* care. All of these well-crafted pieces of my personality serve to keep me at a distance so I don’t get hurt by those around me, and really? These defenses aren’t serving me anymore. They’re certainly not helping me craft the life I want.

So, how to best go about letting some of this go…well, I first have to remember that I’m strong, and that I don’t need all of this clap-trap to keep me safe. I have to remember what I want to cultivate in the world, what sorts of people I want to draw to me, what kinds of experiences I want to weave into my life. I have suffered to learn, and now it is time to stop suffering to learn. It is time to learn in a new way.

“Anyone who you have to convince to be with you isn’t worth convincing.” - What Would Joan Holloway Do?

So yeah, I posted an irritating Grey’s Anatomy quote along with a good Joan-Holloway-esque quote. I do have a point.

First, I do believe that if a guy really likes a girl, he won’t be easily freaked out/scared away by her bullshit.

Second, I do believe that it isn’t worth it to try and convince a guy that I’m amazing. Either he likes That Which Is Me, or he does not.

So…I’m going to try to forget that I was an oh-so-classy date last night, drank too much, and had to be taken home.

Good things have happened over the last few weeks. Uncomfortable things have happened over the past few weeks. I’ve sailed over most of it like a pebble skimming the pond surface. I’m sure that sooner or later I’ll plunge back into what I <3 Huckabees called “the pain of human drama.” Eventually I’ll land and truly give a shit.

Right now, I’m enjoying the pure being ball thing.

It is so irritating to see the “happy couple Christmas” photos of JF and his girlfriend on Facebook, specifically because he was trying to cheat on her with me less than a month ago.

It is doubly irritating to think that he hasn’t told her about what happened.

It is triple-irritating to know that she is aware that he isn’t all that into her, and he is aware that he isn’t all that into her, and yet they are still together doing happy couple things.

It is quadruple-annoying that I was interested in a man that would stay with a woman he doesn’t want to be with. At least it all comes back to being all about me. /sarcasm

“Real fear is a pure and simple emotional response to perceived threat, which is not always the same as actual threat.” – Antero Alli

“I burn for no reason, like a lantern in daylight” – Joseph Lease

The last few days have me pondering all the times I’ve squeezed myself into a small space to make someone else more comfortable…all the times I haven’t burned like a lantern in the daylight…all the times I’ve not said what I really thought should be said…all the times that I have tried to ignore that I am a “lava beast that leaves no stone unturned” when I am around snowmen (a friend’s metaphor for my nature and the nature of those that find me a bit scary).

It’s hard to envision myself this way. It isn’t comfortable to think that I embody qualities that are off-putting; thinking about it more deeply, most of my uncomfortable life moments have stemmed from my desire to cover up the parts of me that scare others off, have come about because I’ve squeezed into boxes that leave no room to breathe. I forget that sometimes uncomfortable is good, that fear isn’t always a sign that one has encountered something dangerous, and that relationships of substance empower and encourage growth.

I guess this might be a good time for the lava beast to shine like a lantern in the daylight. I’m too tired to continue hiding for those who want me to be smaller, less bright, less me. Being less is more work than I thought it would be.

Ahem.

Dear You,

For the love of all that is holy, get your shit together. How old are you, 32 for christsakes? Stop using our friendship (we don’t have one) me as an ego boost. I don’t exist to hang out with you when your girlfriend is away, or when you’re not sure that you want to be with her, or when you want to do mildly infidelitous things. Doing this makes you a twatwaddle, and turns me into a twatwaddle by association.

Grow.the.fuck.up.

Thank you,

Ms. Strumpet

If a person gets angry, he or she can be angry and not abandon. He or she may need to step away to get a clear head, or to not say something hurtful or stupid… but the relationship is valued, so there isn’t a quality of physical or emotional abandonment to the retreat. The same thing goes for feeling hurt. Painful emotions aren’t a good enough excuse for checking out.

When I define love as an action-state, all of this is very clear. When I fall back into thinking love is merely a quality of mood, the view is murkier.

I’ve been thinking about my ADO lately, as I just definitively ended a relationship with a person that would have qualified as an ADO member, but instead somehow managed to get into a relationship with me. M and I dated for three months, and it was pretty clear after the first month that he wasn’t all that into it…and yet, he never let the relationship go. I made a break with him about two weeks ago, and then we had a weird limping along phase, wherein we were deciding what we were going to do (yes, I know, this was rather stupid). This Thursday, it ended, and after the show of ridiculous idiocy that was part of our evening (and really, part of the overall mood that was our relationship) I made a decision to not speak to him again. No, I wasn’t going to entertain the idea of being friends with him- he was hurtful (sometimes outright malicious in word and deed), childish, and not particularly compelling; it was clear that there was nothing more that I wanted from him. Thus, getting home from our dinner and yelling match, I removed him from my Facebook friends list and my phone and sent him a text telling him not to contact me and wishing him well.

I woke up yesterday feeling FANTASTIC. It was so freeing, just being done with this half-assed relationship that, for the past two months, had served only as a drain on my time, feelings and attention. (Of course, a few more texts came in during the morning, and while I first attempted to reason with him, I finally stated that I wanted him to respect my wishes and let me be…and thus far, he has.) Yesterday felt clean and good and light. I wasn’t sad yesterday, and I’m certainly not feeling sad today.

So, last night, after I had a voicemail that was delivered at 10:30pm from an ADO member who thought it was appropriate to call that late to “watch a movie”, and while I was getting text messages from another one of my ADO members about meeting up at the bar (he never did show up…shocker!) I knew what had to be done. Today, I am deleting all of my ADO members from my phone, and blocking them in my Gchat, and finally doing what I should have done long ago- dropping the dead weight. These people are sometimes hurtful, often childish, and not particularly entertaining. I’m not getting much from them in the way of friendship, and they’re generally just a drain on my time, feelings and attention. Not worth it!

Now, I’m off to go have a great day sans my old, tired solar system. Ciao!

To flatter with solicitous overtures in an attempt to obtain something or clear away antagonism.
To seek someone’s love; woo.

I’m pretty sure courting isn’t supposed to feel like an emotionally-detached walk through a minefield…yeah, I’m sure about that.