I have been kicking my own ass. I have been pulling my head out of the sand.
I’m still getting up early every other morning to jog, and my endurance is building. I am doing 80 situps each day. On mornings when I don’t jog, I’m lifting weights, hoping to transform my arms into GUNS OF STEEL…er, well, at least get them a little more toned. Feeling strong physically helps me to feel strong in other areas of my life.
I’m still going to therapy, working out a lot of the emotional issues that are popping up around my partnership failing. I’m sitting with the hard, constant work of changing my patterns. Am I always successful? No. But I am looking deeply, asking the hard questions, demanding that I come up with answers that will heal me in time.
I feel like this year is a test of some sort- physically, mentally, emotionally. The shit has hit the fan, of this I am certain, and now begins the time when I get to see what kind of person I really am, of what stuff I am made of. I’m finding that I’m more tenacious than I give myself credit for. When push comes to shove, I still look down the barrel of the gun, even if I have to do it while trembling like a leaf.
I am finding that I am proud of me, which feels better than any fast and easy fix would feel.
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
— Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear
I’ve never been all gaga about cooking. I’ve been living with J, though, and he loves to do it, so some of his excitement rubbed off on me over the past few years.
Having said that, I still find it strange that I can’t wait to cook food that I like for myself in my new place. I’m excited about buying kitchen gadgets- isn’t that crazy? If you had met me back in my bachelor days, you’d be shocked. I once had an entire refrigerator that only had Diet Coke, beer, and mustard in it.
Shelving hard decisions is the least ethical course.
— Adrian Cadbury, British business executive (b. 1929)
Freedom is not procured by a full enjoyment of what is desired, but by controlling that desire.
— Epictetus, Greek Stoic philosopher (c. 55-c. 135 A.D.)
Freedom means choosing your burden.
— Hephzibah Menuhin, American pianist (1920-1981)
You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips.
- Oliver Goldsmith, English author (1728-1774)
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
- Count Leo Tolstoy, Russian novelist (1828-1910)
Be as you wish to seem.
- Socrates, Greek philosopher (c. 470-399 B.C.)
Character is doing the right thing when nobody’s looking. There are too many people who think that the only thing that’s right is to get by, and the only thing that’s wrong is to get caught.
- J.C. Watts
I desire so to conduct the affairs of this administration that if at the end, when I come to lay down the reins of power, I have lost every other friend on earth, I shall at least have one friend left, and that friend shall be down inside me.
- Abraham Lincoln
The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie — deliberate, contrived, and dishonest — but the myth — persistent, persuasive and realistic.
— John F. Kennedy, 20th-century American president (from the Yale Commencement address, 1962)
Honesty is not a policy, it is a state of mind.
— Eugene LHote, philosopher
The house of delusions is cheap to build but drafty to live in.
— A.E. Housman, British poet and scholar (1859-1936)
I trust my therapist; I think that’s why I’m ok with going down this road toward healing, a road that’s been getting steeper and more terrifying with every step.
Dr. Annie is great. She listens to what I have to say, but she definitely doesn’t let me run the therapy session, and that’s something I value; I am savvy enough to skirt around my blind spots and larger issues, and she just doesn’t let me do that- she’s very adept at steering me back to talking about the things I’m avoiding (consciously or subconsciously). She reminds me of a herding dog, but don’t tell her I said that.
Anyways, last week was a breakthrough sort of week. I went to see Annie with a mouthful of things to say, and they poured out of me in a pretty steady stream- what I was thinking about J, how I had figured out parts of our dynamic, things that were wrong, things that were becoming right, etc. I finished up my diatribe by asking her how I could stop getting involved with men that are emotionally distant, how I could avoid getting into a relationship in which I feel a need to “help” my partner (I have a track record).
Instead of giving me advice or answers, she asked me what I got out of my interactions with emotionally unavailable men- she kept asking things like “Why do you hold onto relationships like that?” and “What do you get out of feeling like you need to help your partner?” etc. I kept thinking, and thinking, and finally, it hit me.
I *do* get something out of these relationships, something very important to me. When I’m in a relationship that I’m not satisfied by, I’m not really in a relationship at all, and that makes me feel safe. If the man I’m with is emotionally distant, or if I feel like I need to “help” him become more outgoing or creative or whatever for our relationship to truly be at it’s full potential, I’m not really in the relationship, inside it, being loved and loving. When I’m in these “helper” relationships, I’m simultaneously totally focused on the other person in the relationship (How can I get So-And-So to be more ______________? How can I work on our problems? Maybe if I just work harder at _________, things will get better) and distanced from being in the relationship by my intellectual analysis. I feel completely and totally absorbed and yet I am not present because of that absorption, if that makes sense. When I am not present, I am safe- I get to stand outside of the experiment, playing the role of the invested yet distanced researcher; I may not be happy, but at least I’m not totally invested, totally me, present to myself and my needs, not trying to heal someone else, not trying to be perfect for someone else, not trying to carry someone else’s burdens for them. It seems terrifying to just relax into being me, to not bear the whole of the responsibility for the relationship. By being so absorbed in what I feel I need to do to be loved, I never stop to think about the sort of person I would want to love. I keep chugging along like the Little Engine That Could…if he was all cracked out and co-dependent.
After I said all of this to Annie, she smiled and said, “Does this remind you of your mother’s relationship with your father? She’s so focused on how he’s ruined her life so she never has to look at her own responsibilities to herself, her own decision to stay engaged in a relationship with him. Who really ruined your mother’s life?”
What can I say to that? That’s painfully true.
So I have all of this new information to chew on. I have a new way of looking at my own role in my unsatisfying relationships.
Now I get to start figuring out what to do with all of this. I am scared shitless, but I’m going to find my way out. Right now, I’m rewriting the choose-your-own-adventure book that is my life, and the choices are going to be healthier, dammit.
