part of a nutritious breakfast
I just realized something gigantic.
Always falling for people who couldn’t commit/who were emotionally distant was *my* commitment issue- I used to do it because I was scared of a real, both-feet-in-for-both-parties relationship. A real relationship would require bona fide work, which is much harder than the drama of the chase.
Huh. Epiphanies- they sneak up on me sometimes.
Gentleman Suitor writes:
LOL
I used to work at a nightclub/ record store. Their motto was: our prices are high but our selection sucks & we’re not happy ’til your not happy.
I got the same feeling when I read your profile. your inner forces tearing at each other. past present future your hopes and dreams and definitely what is expected from you.
But you were able to get it all written in there so that shows some honesty
and you genuinely love that lil puppy, he is super cute too.
oh my question… Are you really serious about those age brackets you wrote?*
we because I’m curious now that I thought about you and your words.
I respond:
Sadly, you likening me to a metaphor in which my prices are high but my selection sucks doesn’t really endear me to you.
And yes, I am serious about the age brackets.
ToasterStrumpet
PS- You’d probably do better to leave the pseudo-romantic “your inner forces tearing at each other. past present future your hopes and dreams and definitely what is expected from you” out of your future emails to girls. You’re only going to get dumb chicks who fall for community college lit professors with that shit.
I don’t have the energy to pretend to be kind anymore. Soon, I’m going to cease being a person.
*- Gentleman Suitor is 39. I specify that I am not interested in men under the age of 28 or over the age of 34.
It has become apparent to me that this is not the point in my life during which I should hang onto that which is not working, be it an idea, a practice, or a relationship. Sentimentality isn’t getting the job done here- I need to radically assess what enhances my life, what detracts from it, and cut the fat so as to make room for better, more robust opportunities.
I need to be a better CEO; the ToasterStrumpet corporation deserves it.
On June 5th, I will have spent a year and a day as an independent gal. I can’t believe I made it this far. Pandora was right, though- it has changed me, moved me more toward center, planted my feet firmly on the ground.
The challenge has shifted, though, from one of abstaining through unhealthy desires to abstaining though already pretty damn whole. I would say for at least the first 9 months, my desire for a relationship was a desire to complete my self through another person. That desire was really strong, as it was extremely hard work to birth a solid, substantial me. Now, I feel pretty damn solid, pretty damn substantial…and I still have two more months to go. I feel this work is the capstone- I get to learn the meaning of fulfilling a vow to myself simply because I made it. It is the work of becoming a woman who keeps her word, especially when she’s promised something to herself.
This year has been a form of walking meditation- I am more present to each and every twinge and desire to lose myself in relationship, to build flying buttresses around my house of self, and even the occasional desire to build that self into a fortress instead of a home. The desire to wall myself off has been great, and I’ve had a few missteps, potentially confusing friendly faces with those that are not so friendly, and vice versa. Each triumph and tumble have helped me learn.
Right now, I’m focusing on tending my garden- making it a beautiful place, pulling the weeds, confident that eventually I will feel ready for visitors….but not yet. Not just yet. 
