12.26.09

Every time I see his Facebook page, I want to kill…

Posted in Personal at 1:33 am by Strumpet

…so I have to get this off my chest here, where it won’t do as much damage.

It is so irritating to see the “happy couple Christmas” photos of JF and his girlfriend on Facebook, specifically because he was trying to cheat on her with me less than a month ago.

It is doubly irritating to think that he hasn’t told her about what happened.

It is triple-irritating to know that she is aware that he isn’t all that into her, and he is aware that he isn’t all that into her, and yet they are still together doing happy couple things.

It is quadruple-annoying that I was interested in a man that would stay with a woman he doesn’t want to be with. At least it all comes back to being all about me. /sarcasm

12.05.09

I burn for no reason, like a lantern in daylight.

Posted in Personal at 5:36 pm by Strumpet

“Gravitate toward those who like you to be powerful.” – Rob Brezsny

“Real fear is a pure and simple emotional response to perceived threat, which is not always the same as actual threat.” – Antero Alli

“I burn for no reason, like a lantern in daylight” – Joseph Lease

The last few days have me pondering all the times I’ve squeezed myself into a small space to make someone else more comfortable…all the times I haven’t burned like a lantern in the daylight…all the times I’ve not said what I really thought should be said…all the times that I have tried to ignore that I am a “lava beast that leaves no stone unturned” when I am around snowmen (a friend’s metaphor for my nature and the nature of those that find me a bit scary).

It’s hard to envision myself this way. It isn’t comfortable to think that I embody qualities that are off-putting; thinking about it more deeply, most of my uncomfortable life moments have stemmed from my desire to cover up the parts of me that scare others off, have come about because I’ve squeezed into boxes that leave no room to breathe. I forget that sometimes uncomfortable is good, that fear isn’t always a sign that one has encountered something dangerous, and that relationships of substance empower and encourage growth.

I guess this might be a good time for the lava beast to shine like a lantern in the daylight. I’m too tired to continue hiding for those who want me to be smaller, less bright, less me. Being less is more work than I thought it would be.